Friday, 8 March 2013

Back in the School Days

『泣いて笑ったあの日々なんだか昨日の事のよう - supercell, さよならメモリーズ
("Those days of tears and laughter, they seem only yesterday" - supercell, Sayonara Memories)

Ask me six years ago what I imagined I would be when I'm twenty, I probably would have said "Oh, I'll be well off school and preparing to get married." Yes, that was the naive and fairy-tale-believing me. But here I am, twenty years old, just started school, have yet to figure out her future let alone get married. I learnt, afterwards, that life wasn't all that planned out and simple. That girl, who believed, she had no fashion sense, sucked at socialising and was physically a loser. But I loved that girl. She was a carefree gal who believed anything could happen, any dream could come true. Don't you sometimes miss a simpler version of yourself? I do. I missed the times when my biggest worry of the day was not being able to finish a submission to a small art/design competition at deviantART on time or if I would have the chance to see that crush of mine at school.

When I was younger, I dreamt of being a mangaka (Japanese comic artist) and, though I knew life would probably be a little more miserable than I would bargain for, I thought I could be happy living in a set of deadlines, piles of inked pages and scraps of tones. Somewhere along the way, I had a change of heart. And since then on, life hasn't been as simple as it was before anymore. To that girl, I could've been anything and I could be happy. To this girl, I had to work hard and it feels like I'm inside a tunnel with no ends. I worry about the future so much that I don't know what to do anymore and I, who once thought I could do it all, suddenly feel like I'm never going to be good enough. This scares me the most.

Primark coat // Number 61 blouse // 1982 kids varsity jacket // H&M skirts + tights // C&A scarf // boots via froschgrün // thrifted backpack via Oxfam

While what she had I lost, what she didn't have I gained. That girl had many dreams, one of which was being loved by a man. That I made come true. Well, not so much made as it just sort of, kind of happened by fate. I was gifted by Firu's love and, through that, I gained some self-confidence in myself. In how I look, my personality and all my quirks. Firu is the only man outside my family who takes me as I am and I am grateful for that. I then lost some weight, gained some fashion sense and this blog was born. If I hadn't obtained any self-confidence, you would probably not be reading this thing right now for it wouldn't've existed. Fate is a funny thing, though. Because, by the time Firu and I made our way to our relationship, I was already more mature than 'that girl' was, enough to know what I wanted and needed wasn't in the guy I liked before him. Enough to know that to let go of him.

Lately, I've been thinking of that girl a lot. She was a happy yet miserable girl. She had gone through quite enough and stood tall as if nothing's happened. She wasn't afraid to be who she was, no matter what other people said. Sure, she was immature and had some boundary issues (Haha don't ask!) but she had more friends than she realised. She was never lonely, even when she was alone. Because her imagination was boundless and she was always surrounded by her loved ones, even the imaginary ones. It may sound insane to you but I wanted to go back to that. Reality has consumed me too much these days, what with being awesome and all, that when it crashed and burnt, I didn't know where to go. Now I do.

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