Tuesday, 24 November 2015

When Your Heart is Somewhere Else

Oftentimes I find myself transported back. I’m almost sure that I’m dreaming, that one of these days I’d open my eyes and find myself in bed in Kassel or in Firu’s arms, still in Germany. Maybe everything that’s happened to me in the past year didn’t really happen.

When Firu and I enrolled into university, I thought we would finally settle down. I thought our lives would go on like this for at least another 4-5 years to come. Then people we know started returning to Indonesia for good. Some of them have accomplished what they set out to do, while some others have given up and wanted to start over back home. I didn’t know that I would join the latter in less than two years. What’s more, that I would do it so willingly.

Sometimes snippets of my life back then pop into my head. The sentimental values take over and I’d long for those lonely days. Funny thing memories are; they seem to cover only the happy moments and throw away the crappy ones. It’s easy for me to disregard my misery all those years ago and ache for the tiniest bits of joy I held on to. But if I had to remember correctly, and as objectively as I possibly could, I’d know that I made the right decision.

But I wish it didn’t have to be one way or the other. I wish it could be both. I wish I could have all my friends, my family, Firu, all my hopes and dreams; all of them in one life. That I didn’t have to choose: my friends or my family, my dreams or my love. Who could make a decision like that?

I used to think that I would throw it all away for Firu, if he only asks. But he did, in his own way. And I didn’t budge. In some ways, it comforts me to know that not even men can stop me from reaching  my dreams, from living the life that I want. I guess I should’ve known; I’ve always been like that. At this very moment, though, I cannot tell if that is a blessing or a curse.

These are feelings I cannot tell anyone. Nobody understands it, at least nobody I know. Maybe my sister, but it’s a different place for her, different memories. I cannot talk to her about Kassel, about our European adventures, about my life there. Knowing that this is a notion I cannot share with anyone - other than Firu, perhaps - makes me feel lonely. Sure, I’ll go to class, I’ll laugh with my new friends, but at the back of my mind is that never ending carousells of pictures from Germany, reminding me of an entirely different life I was accustomed to.

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