Wednesday, 4 December 2013

The Fear of Being Beautiful

“What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful.” ― Scott WesterfeldUglies

Last week I went to class in this ensemble, wearing this lovely hairband that I brought from back home. Everyone kept staring at it and at least two of my friends noticed how cute it was. Why, thank you! The truth is, I wasn't always this kind of girl. I remember being extra shy - although simultaneously aggressive - all throughout my school life. I tied my hair in a low ponytail for the second half of grade school and my hair barely had any structure until the second half of the 8th grade. I thought I was just ignorant about looks - I didn't even notice the details of my best friend's face when I tried to draw her one time - but, apparently, I had a fear of putting myself out there. Whenever I changed my looks (like when I started wearing glasses), my heart would seriously pound because I was so afraid of what everyone would think or the attention I would get. It didn't help that a boy once laughed in my face when I came to school with a different hairstyle. Needless to say, I 'cancelled' my hairstyle and let it down as usual. I was never brave enough to wear cute clothes or try out adorable hairstyles and was so gung-ho not to get my pictures taken.

H&M denim dress + tights // Primark chunky cardigan + coat // vintage oxfords // Typo satchel // Hairband from Indonesia

Imagine that, a blogger who doesn't like getting her pictures taken! Wow, this blog would've looked a whole lot less interesting, if I were still the same. In fact, at the first few months of our relationship, Firu liked snapping shots of me because I hated it so much. I started wearing dresses towards the end of high school, when everyone was having sweet seventeen parties and pretty much everyone had to wear something semi-formal. It was also the first year I wore heels. But then long afterwards, I wore nothing but shirts and pants. I don't know when I started to care about what I wear but this blog was born not long after I was inclined more towards fashion than ever. Now I can put together an interesting - and comfortable - outfit without getting all in my head. Here's what I know: I'm an Asian girl in Europe who dances whenever she hears a good music with her earphones, walk around town with her camera whenever the day's beautiful and reads novels on the streets if she likes. Dressing up would be the last thing I can do to make people notice me. Also, if I don't take as much pictures as I can now, I might regret it later on. Memories are great but they're not reliable. So I'm no longer holding back.

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