Lessons Learnt: Starting Over

Up until I was 17, everything in my life seemed to be right on track—then I graduated from high school and it started to go downhill from there. At 18, I moved to Germany, starting my pre-uni a year later than I should've—and, ultimately, pushing my uni 2 years back. I failed to get into numerous art schools that I applied to. In the end, I was 22 when I decided to fly back home and put a reset on my life. Though at first I wasn't sure how I wanted to proceed, I ended up starting over with uni—with a major that I had been aiming for all along—at the time when all my friends have graduated. Not only was my boyfriend at the time still in Germany, but I felt pretty much alone in this experience. Fast forward to 4 years later, when I thought my life was going back on track somewhat—but then my long-term relationship ended. It was entirely my choice, yet it was still uncharted territory. Not too long afterwards, I began a new one. So, I guess you can say that I'm pretty experienced in this whole 'starting over' thing—and here are some thing I've learnt from it.

Do Your Research

Personally, I think this should apply whether you're starting over or simply starting at all. When you're starting over, though, that means you've—for lack of better terms—wasted enough time before. To make up for it, it is best to have as much preparation as you can before you proceed. The most important thing to note is to be sure that you're not making a mistake or choosing the wrong place to start your life all over again. For instance, if you want to change jobs, find out about the company you are moving to and the job that you are doing—especially if it's in another field—before you accept the offer. If you're moving to a different university, make sure the major that you want and the university that you're aiming for can offer you exactly what you need. Even when you're starting over a relationship with a new partner, it is best to be absolutely sure—or at least to a greater degree—that he/she has the qualities that you're actually looking for in a partner.

Build Your Portfolio

Much like in a board game, if you return to start, you tend to lag behind your peers. As your friends have completed their studies and graduated, you might just start to enrol at university. They could be on their way to their third job as you prep for your first interview. Not to mention the younger kids who are in the same league as you—but with less of a handicap, so to speak. How can you compete then? There is a great way for you to catch up, though. Start by building your portfolio and gathering as many experiences as you can. Get a side job. Start a small business. Build a social media presence. Be active in organisations. Do an internship on your semester break. Something, anything, that could give you leverage when applying for a job later or building your career. Of course, this might require you to juggle your job with your studies as you plough through uni, but it will pay off so much once you graduate—or maybe even before then.

Avoid Comparison at All Costs

Be it starting over your studies, your job or your relationship, comparison helps no one.  Nothing ever happens the same way twice, so don't expect anything to. The job you are starting now will not be the same—or perhaps even similar—to the one you left behind. The uni that you're presently enrolled in might not offer a lot of the same qualities with the one you dropped out of. Your current partner isn't the same person as your ex. And that's okay, because there's a reason you're starting over right now—and didn't continue with the job/uni/partner that you had. Comparison to others is also not helpful. Everyone has their own path. Just because yours may look more winded and take longer, doesn't mean it's not a good or correct one for you to follow. Appreciate what the present opportunity has to offer and embrace it.

No Time Is Ever Wasted

As I've mentioned in the previous point, everyone has their own path and yours may look more winded, but it doesn't mean it's not a good one. You might hate yourself for moving so slowly. You might even feel like you've wasted your time. But, the truth is time for learning and growing is ever wasted—even if you hit the reset button afterwards. Even if you didn't get a degree to signify the completion of your studies at your previous university, doesn't mean that you didn't learn anything. Not only the things you read in your textbooks, but also the experiences you had along the way. Just because your previous relationship didn't end up in a happily-ever-after, doesn't mean it didn't teach you important lessons while it lasted—neither does it mean it wasn't special or meaningful to you at the time. Everything we go through, every experience we have, shapes who we are today. Without them, we can only be incomplete.

Give Yourself Time to Heal

The human heart is a strange thing; it always grieves at goodbyes, even the right ones. I read about grief in transitions from Vienna Pharaon—about how, even though a transition is objectively good, you could still feel grief from leaving something behind. As someone who has started things over 3 times, I could vouch for its truth. While each transition has been entirely my decision, I cannot tell you that it was easy to do. When I left Germany to pursue an education back home—knowing, at the time, it was the only way to reach my goals—it took me 3 years to feel even remotely okay about it. When I ended the relationship with my previous partner—making the decision with sound mind and body—I broke down to tears for several weeks thereafter. Goodbye and transitions are never easy, especially if our sentimentality is tangled in it. It's okay to look back and grief what could've been; it's okay to let your heart heal.

This post was a long time coming. I have wanted to write it for so long, but I wanted to wait until my studies were pretty much done and dusted. Until, so to speak, I successfully started over and went through the tunnel. The other changes that happened to my life since then were completely unplanned. It was a happy accident that they added to the substance of this post. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that starting over is hella scary. Even if you know a lot of your friends or strangers in the world have done or are doing the same thing, you often feel alone anyway. For me, starting over was a very lonesome matter—I often had to fend for myself, to make sure no one will trick me to fall down a cliff once more. But I was constantly reminded of the reason I decided to end the previous circumstance and start anew. If you've ever gone through the same thing, please share some of your own tips in the comments!